Confessions of a Broken Heart (Daughter to Father)

Confessions of a Broken Heart (Daughter to Father)

The most weird thing happened to me recently as I was watching The Gifted. A little back story to help you get the context. The Gifted is about a group of mutants who have the X gene that gives them their powers. Among them is Lorna a.k.a POLARIS whose ability is to manipulate magnetism.From the episode she is faced with the tough choice of having to give up her daughter so as to protect her which reminds her of her biggest heart ache  which is not knowing her real father. The whole episode had me in tears as I could relate to most if not all of the things.

The Yearning

I was raised by my grandfather, a big brother and 5 uncles so father figures were in plenty to say the least. Growing up I never had that lack or yearning for a “normal” family. Our extended family set up was normal. That and the fact that I carried my grandfather’s name as my surname raised few questions since everyone assumed that it was my father’s surname. It was not until my third year in campus when I heard a discussion on Radio by Caroline Mutoko on how the urge to want to know your roots becomes overwhelming with time. I had met my father 3 times before once when was around 5yrs, then again at 10 yrs and the last time at 13 yrs. During the last encounter I was old enough to know what was happening and so I went through my mother’s phone (which  was sneaky but necessary) and memorized the last number she had dialed and wrote it on my room’s wall as soon as I got home. I knew that it would come in handy later on and it did 8 years down the line. When we went for our long holidays I saved the number on my phone, luckily it had not faded with time and sent it to my then boyfriend and asked him to call my father since I was too scared. My boyfriend called him and he didn’t deny that I was his and asked that I call so that we could get to know each other.

The Encounter

We started texting often soon after that and I got to ask some of the basic questions like his favorites, what he did for a living, his parents and so on. I agreed to meet him as soon as I got back to school after the holidays. We met in a restaurant and we discussed books, school, he told be all about his career as an Accountant and encouraged me to take it up as a complementary to my degree.Lorna received a metal amulet on her 13th birthday from her father. The only things that I have from mine are two books The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey and The Financial Advantage by Robert Kiyosaki. We met 2 more times after that in a park and a restaurant. I should have been weary of trusting him too soon the moment he criticized the course I had taken in campus and gave suggestions like I should have done Actuarial Science. I dismissed such things since I liked talking to him as he was intellectual and I learnt a lot from the few encounters.

Disappointment

When he suggested that I take up Accounts he promised that he would pay and true to his word he paid for registration and said that he would send me the cash for the exams later on as the deadlines were on different dates. On the due date he called to tell me that he wouldn’t be able to get the money as promised and asked me to look for alternative. That’s where the series of disappointments started. To that point I had not told my mum that I was talking to him and that I would be taking Accounting. I called her to explain that it would be good for me if I did something to complement my course and that the deadline was on that day. She has always been supportive and trusts that I will make the right decisions so she did not ask questions she just sent the money. That was the last payment that he made and my family had to take on from there. After that incident he dodged my calls for a while and would give excuses that he was busy. He looked for my mother a few weeks after we made contact and my mother told me that whatever transpired between the two of us she would not get involved but she cautioned me. She told me of how he would dodge her calls when she asked him to come and visit me in school. When I finished campus and got a job he started asking for cash. I gave it to him once since he sounded like he was truly in need but he did not return as he had promised. He would call to ask for money and even tell me to borrow from friends when I told him that I did not have any. I called him out once for always asking for money and not calling to check up on me.

Letting Go

That’s when I  had enough of him and felt like I was better of without him. At first I ignored his calls and failed to reply to his texts but I finally decided to be frank with him. I felt hurt by the fact that I was the one that reached out to him first but he was not willing to reach out back genuinely. I felt disappointed that he turned our relationship (not even sure if I should call it that) into all about money. I felt like I was not good enough and like a failure of some sort. I wanted him to see me and truly love me. After all I am a part of him so that must count for something.

Healing

I once heard that we get a chance to chose our parents before we come to earth. I have no idea how true that is but if it is so, there must have been a reason why I settled on him. For a moment I was angry as the situation did not turn out as I had hoped but I have come to terms with the fact that things are as they should be. Normal is overrated and you have the option to decide what normal is for you. I once heard Maya Angelou say that forgiving someone does not mean that you let them back into your life and I took that to heart. I have let go of the hurt and forgiven him but I do not think I want him in my life for now. If asked if I would want things to change my answer would be no, I would not have it any other way.

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This Post Has 5 Comments

  1. Avatar

    You did well without him ❤

    1. livelearnlight

      Thanks for saying that?

  2. Avatar

    I know that it has never been easy for you. Even though I am blessed to have a dad who has always been there for me, I can only imagine the pain, the struggle and the longing to win a father’s heart. I hope you grow strong enough to thank God entirely for the gold-hearted mom and grandfather that never tire no matter the odds. I hope you recollect the broken pieces and forgive your dad.
    If you haven’t read Tuesdays with Morrie, I recommend the book and the movie for you. Please see this story too https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTufoodctmU
    To more love and happiness Carole, keep sharing.

    1. livelearnlight

      You made me tear up.. Thanks for the encouraging words you are heaven sent ??. Let me check out the link that you just shared and I will definitely read the book.

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